This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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