Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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