I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
