i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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