its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
