people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize