I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
he puts the penis in happiness.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
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