She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
