I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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