ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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