I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
