Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
