I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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