mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
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