Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
