Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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