Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
