I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
how drunk are you?
Several
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
