all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Houston, we have a squirter
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
