I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize