chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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