college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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