Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
