Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
My bed smells like the plague
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