I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
