My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
