the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
don't judge my taste in strippers
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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