I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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