Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
