I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
