You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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