There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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