nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
