I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
