I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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