see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Randomize
