I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
A+ Viking dick
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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