the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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