so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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