i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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