I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
