Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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