Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
