Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
