My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I still have a little drunk in my system
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
