he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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