gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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