3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Never joke about your clitoris.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
