My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
