got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize