i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize