I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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