I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
