Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
