Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
