Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
no. you can't hotbox the world.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
