I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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